Robin Hood Review

Misses the target.

The last few weeks have been tough for me. I’m not a cynical person but the last few reviews have been harsh. I’m in the minority that disliked Bohemian Rhapsody. Every person I know loved it. That review didn’t go down well. I followed that up with my Grinch review. That one had people calling me a Grinch because of my opinion. The Crimes of Grindelwald failed to cast a spell on me. One thing I learned is that Potter fans don’t hide their feelings if they disagree with you. For what it’s worth I loved Widows! These things happen though. Film can go through a bit of a dry spell.  Fans get restless after a couple of mixed results in a row. I just crave good film. I picked myself up; Deciding that Robin Hood may be the film to turn everything around. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t calling out for a 5/5. Hell, at this stage I’d settle for a solid 3/5. The ingredients were all there for my dream to come true. A well-loved hero. A story which is so simple anyone could make it work. The ever-reliable Taron Egerton. Jamie Foxx on the back of a terrific turn in Baby Driver. Ben Mendelsohn adding to his growing list of villains he’s played. The director of the stomach-churning premier of Black Mirror. Everything was looking good. The time had come for a good movie. Did Robin Hood deliver? Put it this way. Robin Hood is the worst film I’ve seen this year.

Robin Hood tells the story of the lovable rogue with a bow and arrow (Taron Egerton) taking on the corrupt Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn). The twist this time is that our hero is returning from war. Not only that but his girlfriend Lady Marian (Eve Hewson) has a new man (Jamie Dornan) on the scene. The film starts with the worst narration in movie history. Friar Tuck (Tim Minchin) breaks the 4^th wall; letting us know to forget everything we know about Robin Hood. Don’t you dare imagine him as a fox. The opening scene between Robin and Marian lasts about 2 minutes. In those minutes they fight, introduce themselves to each other and fall in love. All within 2 minutes. The weirdest thing was that it felt as if the film started halfway through. There was no introduction to the character. Friar Tuck told us to forget everything we knew. I assumed that the film would do us the courtesy of maybe introducing him to us. I genuinely thought that this must have been a sequel.  Don’t worry though! The film obviously made up for this by exploring the relationship between Robin and Marian! What? They decided to show a make out montage and then ship him to war? Oh boy. Things don’t get better from there. A fade to black and title card tells us that 2 years have passed. The war sequence was 15 minutes of bow and arrow shooting with the accuracy of a Stormtrooper. With Little John in tow. Robin returns to Nottingham determined to beat the sheriff and get his girl back. What follows is 90 minutes of slow motion, cringe inducing comedy and the actors fighting amongst themselves to see who can give the worst performance of the year.

Taron Egerton is the 29467^th person to play Robin Hood (maybe). Sean Connery brought some bond into the role. Russell Crowe was the last man to attempt the role in 2010. It’s rumoured that people are still waking up in the cinema after attempting to watch it. Kevin Costner and Brian Bedford are my favourite versions of the thief with a heart of gold. Even Frank Sinatra attempted to portray the character in a musical. I don’t know how to rate the young actor’s performance. He is the smuggest lead character I’ve seen in a long time. The quips he fires out all fall flat. Egerton when competing in the love triangle comes off as a whiny little brat. Robin takes a hatred to Marians new boyfriend Will. Will never really did anything wrong. Everyone thought he was dead; I don’t see how you can accuse Will of stealing Marian when he thought you were long gone. Is it Egerton’s fault? The lines he has to deliver are written by Ben Chandler and David James Kelly; Two guys who have never written a film before. Following the box office disaster that was Billionaire Boys Club, Edgerton is under pressure. The actor in the films I’ve seen him in has seen him going down a slope. Great in Kingsman. Good in Eddie the Eagle. He tried his best in Kingsman 2 (I detest that film so I’m trying hard not to rant.). Awful in Robin Hood. I’m backing Egerton to bounce back in Rocketman. The actor needs to deliver a big performance soon or he may be in trouble. With the trailer footage we’ve seen so far, I wouldn’t doubt him. If it makes him feel any better the rest of the cast didn’t do any better.

Eve Hewson as Lady Marian annoyed me beyond belief. The character was playing everyone. Marian plays Robin like a fool. Leaves poor Will wondering what the hell he’s done wrong half the time. Marian comes off as a jerk. There was 0 chemistry between Hewson and Egerton. As I said earlier their relationship is based solely on a make out montage. The film wants you to root for Robin and Marian to end up together. Their relationship feels sleazy. Robin straight up stalks her for quite a while during the film. Jamie Dornan gives an okay performance. His character lacks any signs of a backbone which his character is crying out for. Will is treated like dirt the whole film. I just wanted the poor guy to leave Nottingham before all the other characters emotionally break him. Tim Minchin is a great comedian. Tim Minchin is a great musician. Tim Minchin is not a great actor. Friar Tuck is a wisecracking monk. That’s it. That’s his character. Ben Mendelsohn is the saving grace of Robin Hood. The actor is detestable whenever he plays a villain. Which is all the time but when it works it works. Mendelsohn is delivering awful lines but manages to sell them as if his life depends on it. Only Ben Mendelsohn could sell “I’M GOING TO BOIL YOU IN YOUR OWN PISS.”. The Australian actor can only do much to try and salvage an awful film. My campaign to cast Mendelsohn as the next Green Goblin begins today.

My main problem with Robin Hood is the action. What you want from a 2018 Robin Hood is John Wick with arrows. Fast paced bloody action. Make the bow and arrow a weapon to fear. What you don’t want from a 2018 Robin Hood is a Bloodless film. The film has so many slow-motion shots transitioning to fast cuts of guy dying shots. I estimate that there are at least 25 slow motion shots. This isn’t an exaggeration. I genuinely lost count. The film relies on slow motion and explosions. If you can’t have blood in your film the solution isn’t fire. One scene had two guards make a path between fire by using their shields. This is the blandest action film since The Dark Tower. Coincidentally another film about a guy whose main attribute is shooting but does it in a bloodless manor. Why is a film set in the crusades filled with people wearing clothes from 2018? The sheriff has a silky trench coat. Lady Marian is rocking a leather jacket for some reason. Robin Hood himself dresses like a normal guy you pass on the street. Is this a mistake? Is it intentional? Please if you know contact me as soon as possible. I’m losing sleep over this. It’s bizarre that the director of an episode of Black Mirror focusing on the Prime minister having sex with a pig has also directed this lifeless film.

Overall Robin Hood is a dud. At least the next people who are making a Robin Hood film have a blueprint. Do the exact opposite of everything this film does. Rehire Ben Mendelsohn. We can pretend that none of this ever happened. Normally when reviewing a film, you weigh up the good and the bad in the final paragraph. I think I can give you a good reason to back up how bad I feel Robin Hood is. Jamie Fox plays Little John in this film. I genuinely forgot that he is in this movie. This is the films secondary most important character. I forgot he existed. Robin Hood will be rebooted in 8 years with Jaden Smith. All I wanted was a 3/5. I don’t think that’s asking for too much. Robin Hood I will never forgive or remember you.

Liam’s Summary of Robin Hood

Best Character: The sheriff of Mendelsohn is more evil than Ready Player Rogue One.

Worst Character: The film wants you to think religion. It’s kind of right. It’s Friar Tuck.

Best Moment: “I will boil you in your own piss.”

Worst Moment: Any line that doesn’t involve piss boiling.

Overall Rating: 1/5