Hellboy Review.

Hell is real and I just spent two hours in it.

Reboots are a strange concept. Rebooting something that already exists has always been an idea that boggles my mind. I’m always seeking original films that show me something that I’ve never seen before. That’s not to say there’s never been exceptional reboots. Some reboots work. The Dark Knight trilogy, Mad Max: Fury Road and the recent Planet of the Apes trilogy are all 5-star films in my eyes. Was rebooting them necessary in the first place? No, not at all. What happened with these movies was that a director had an idea on how to make a previous work their own without tarnishing the legacy of the work that came before.  For every excellent remake that graces the screen. There are dozens of awful attempts to re-capture magic. Just look at The Dark Universe (all one movie), the 2015 Fantastic Four and last years Robin Hood. Was there passion in any of these projects? None in the slightest. These were all cash grabs that attempted to drag audiences into screens by using pure nostalgia. Hellboy arrives 11 years after Hellboy II: The Golden Army. The original 2 films firmly placed Guillermo del Toro as a fan favourite director for years to come. These films are steeped in mythology that add to a world which is among the best in film. It’s hard to find a more intelligent pair of films that are based off a graphic novel. Carried by an iconic performance by Ron Pearlman; these Hellboy films are a joy to watch now. Apparently, we don’t deserve to see a conclusion to that trilogy. Instead, we are being gifted with a reboot that nobody asked for. After much thought and debate with myself over this new Hellboy. I have come to the conclusion that this may be the worst reboot I’ve ever seen.

Hellboy tells the story of… Hellboy (David Harbour), a demon man who is caught in a battle between the supernatural and humanity. Hellboy enters battle with an evil sorceress (Milla Jovovich) with the fate of the earth at stake. Let’s get into this shall we. The original Hellboy films were intelligent films that blended story, heart, action and mythology perfectly. This new Hellboy film is focused on one thing and one thing only. Being in your face. To do that it decides to fill its 2-hour run-time with grotesque violence and swears. The violence in this film is horrific. Not in a sense that it will make you squirm in your seat. The violence is used merely to try and impress the lowest denominator. Heads, explode. Arms come off. Eyes are gouged. Anything that can come off will come off. It’s rather shambolic. Every action scene has a person being mangled in a new way. It’s not clever or different. It’s just sad to watch. Background actors are killed off in the most shameless ways. It’s almost as if the film wants you to laugh at this. If you’re one of the people who finds the violence in Hellboy entertaining, then I seriously worry for you. There’s nothing impressive about turning ¾ of your cast into mush. Andrew Cosby, who wrote the script, must have been challenged to put a curse word into every line of dialogue. I don’t remember a film that’s been so carefree with its language in a long time. For the record; I’m not offended by the violence or the swearing. It doesn’t make me wince or offended. There wouldn’t be a movie without the R rating that’s here. The few times 

Hellboy tries to tell a story it takes bizarre turns that make little to no sense. To see the character who was perfect on screen before turned into a try hard Deadpool is upsetting.

David Harbour is man who I have the upmost respect for. As someone who suffers from a mental illness it was refreshing to see an actor open up about their battle with their demons. If I ever meet Harbour, I will thank him personally for making a huge difference in my life. No matter what happens after the fallout of Hellboy, Harbour is still well on the way to becoming a star. Harbour isn’t exactly bad as the titular character. He certainly gives it his all with the material that’s been given to him. The mannerisms are certainly there.  Besides that, there’s not much Hellboy to be found in Hellboy. The character is turned into a whiny teenager who is constantly bickering with his father (Ian McShane). Hellboy is meant to be a bad-ass character who doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Here, he’s either sulking or quipping whenever he speaks. Hellboy is not meant to be a quippy character. I wasn’t joking when I said he’s like a discount Deadpool. Hellboy is not meant to be Deadpool. There were so many places to bring this character and the direction they go with is awful. Harbour will bounce back from this, but Hellboy may not be so lucky.

The supporting cast don’t fare any better than Harbour. Ian McShane sleepwalks his way through his performance as Hellboy’s father. It’s the kind of role that McShane has nailed many times before. He doesn’t seem to care this time around. The relationship between him and Harbour never once feels like a father/son relationship. Sasha Lane is one of the few highlights as Alice, a girl who can communicate with the dead. Alice is the only character whose power progress was anyway interesting.  Daniel Dae Kim, who is normally exceptional, is relegated to angry military man who doesn’t trust the lead. I genuinely could not tell you what the characters name was. He was that much of a nothing character. Milla Jovovich plays the films antagonist Nimue. Who’s motivated by…. Hold on I got this. Nimue’s goal is to…. Give me a second, I’ll get there. Nimue has many fearsome traits, including monologing and…. Well that’s it really. Again, there’s no character to be found here. You’re not once invested in this big bad. There’s no way to relate to her and some of the places her character goes is bonkers. That’s the problem with Hellboy. There’s no content to be found here. Not one character has any sense of originality or backbone. They are all just kind of there. At least, there’s a scouse CGI warthog (Stephen Graham) who swears whenever he is on screen. I wish I was joking.

Director Neil Marshall was always going to struggle with rebooting Hellboy. No one on this planet can step into del Toro’s shoes. Even if you aren’t a fan of his work. There is no denying that del Toro makes movies unlike anyone else in Hollywood. Keep in mind too that Marshall rarely directs on film anymore. Most of his credits are from random TV shows, he’s directed 2 episodes of Game of Thrones, Lost in Space and Constantine. The last feature film he made was back in 2010 with Centurion, a film which I haven’t seen. It’s ludicrous to give a man who hasn’t made a movie in 9 years a task this big. Nevertheless, the direction on Hellboy is atrocious. Some of the cuts are so abrupt you’ll wonder how they are in the film. If it was or trice I’d understand, but there are more cuts in scenes than in Bohemian Rhapsody. The action is shoddy. The humour falls flat on its face, there was not one laugh in my cinema. Cosby’s script should never have seen the light of day. Some of the twists it tries to pull off are hilarious. For a big budget movie, the special effects belong in a B-Movie. It’s amazing that Hellboy made it to the big screen. I can’t emphasise this loud enough. This 

is a disaster.

Hellboy is a train wreck. Trying to find one redeemable quality in it is a task which I don’t want to take. It’s honestly so bad its kind of funny. I don’t want to sit here and crap on a movie that talented people spent years on their life on. I must be honest though. I can’t lie to myself and pretend that this is in anyway a good movie. Never-mind a film which comes close to the original. In a couple of years, we’ll be looking back at this in the same way as Dragon Ball: Evolution or Green Lantern. What went wrong here?  There’s a lesson to be learned here. Not everything should be rebooted. A character can be left alone. The movies are loved by fans, so just leave it at that. Don’t tarnish the legacy of a genuinely great film. Let’s be honest. No one is going to listen to me. For all I know I’ll be reviewing a Back to the Future reboot by 2024.

Liam’s Summary of Hellboy.

Best Moment: Royal Blood were on the soundtrack.

Worst Moment: A quip so bad that my friend got up and left.

Best Character: Ron Pearlman’s agent for keeping him the hell away from this.

Worst Character: David Harbour’s agent for not keeping him the hell away from this.

Watch These Instead.

Hellboy: Let’s go back to 2004 and pretend this never happened.

Stranger Things: Remind yourself why I feel so sorry for David Harbour.

Shazam!: It’s still in cinemas. Avoid Hellboy at all costs.

Overall Rating: 1/5